Those who are left behind
by michallev
Summary: Alex receives some bad news bringing back bad memories and forcing him to face and reveal his past. It's my first Fic, so please review and be kind
1. Chapter 1

"Dr. Karev, a phone call for you". A nurse he has never seen called out to him handing out the receiver. Probably a temp, he thought to himself. He walked over to the nurses' station and picked up the phone.

"Hello, is this Alexander Karev?" a strange voice asked.

"Yes it's Alex Karev. Who are you? How did you get this number?", Alex was getting annoyed. Probably one of the nurses had given his number to a patient for follow up.

"This is… urghm… I'm… eh… I'm Tom. I'm Nickie's husband…".

That got Alex's attention. "I know who you are", he replied coldly. "What's wrong?", he added in a bit more concerned tone. He hasn't heard from his sister since their mother's funeral. That was 6 years ago and the conversation didn't end well.

"There has been an accident", Tom's voice cracked. "Nickie… has been… she was…. She….". He took several deep breaths.

Alex started to panic as his brother in law struggled to get the words out. "Tom, is she okay? Was she hurt? I can be there in…

"She died", Tom cut his sentence. "I'm… eh… I'm sorry. The funeral is tomorrow. She wanted to be buried near your mother. To make things some how right, I guess. The funeral will be in Iowa. I just thought you should know. I… eh… I have to go now, I have to get the kids back from school. I'll see you tomorrow at the funeral". And he hung up.

"Dr. Karev, is everything alright?", nurse Olivia asked sounding worried. "Alex? Are you okay?".

He didn't even bother to answer. He just took off, shoving her not so gently as he passed her by. He walked around the corner and entered the on call room. He leaned against the wall, trying to take deep, even long breaths. He could feel himself hyperventilating and the small room was starting to spin. "Get a grip", he told himself, angry now at his own reaction, at his sign of weakness. He took a few more deep breaths and pushed himself off the wall, convinced that he is not going to pass out. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and over his face and stepped out.

He was supposed to be covering the pit so he headed downstairs. He spotted George and Lexie by the elevator and took a turnn, choosing to take the stairs instead, wishing to avoid any chance of running into someone. He crossed the ER, ignoring his intern who was approaching him, clearly in the need of a consult and went out side.

He let the cold air feel his lungs and cool his skin. She was gone. Just like that. He tried to let the truth sink in, but he couldn't bring himself to admit it. He had never felt more alone.

He sat down on a near by bench resting his head on his hands. He listend to the sirens as they grew louder and louder. The ambulance stopped in front of him and a young female paramedic rolled the gurney out. He knows he should approach her. The pit is his responsibility today but he feels so numb he is not sure he will be able to even stand. And he is definitely cold now. Not "it's chilly, lets get inside" kind of cold, but a "chilled to the bones" kind of cold. But still he is unable to move.

He tries to remember what were the last words he had ever spoken to her. It was right after their mother's funeral and the words were spoken in a heated argument. Nicky was clearly drunk and he was at least a little buzzed, making it ever harder to remember. He remembered her yelling at him: "She was you responsibility. You were supposed to take care of her. How could you let it get this bad? Why didn't you stop her? Where the hell were you?". The sentences are all mixed up in his head making her harsh words sink: "It's you fault she died. She shot herself because of you. You weren't good enough; you couldn't take care of her. You weren't a good enough reason for her to want to stay. You killed her".

He remembered that he wanted to shout back at her. To tell her that she was the one who left, while he stayed behind. He wanted to tell her how bad it got after she had split. He wanted to tell her what it felt like to hear the gun shot and running towards the sound, knowing at the pit of his stomach that something is wrong, very wrong. He wanted to tell her that he was the one who broke down the bathroom door and found his mother lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. That he knew she was already dead, but that he tried to resuscitate her anyway, like he had been taught. He wanted to tell her that he was the one who scrubbed the bathroom walls for four hours to get all the blood out, so that when she gets there she wouldn't be so shocked. He just wanted to scream that he did the best he could and that he is sorry his best wasn't good enough.

But he never answered her back, just remained silent. He remembered that by the time she was done yelling at him she was sobbing and shaking so badly that she fell to her knees. He remembered feeling that he should be doing some thing. Get her off the ground. Help her inside. Stroke her hair, making her know he is there for her. Something. But instead, he just left her there sobbing uncontrollably.

That was the last time ever saw her. God he misses her. He starts to hyperventilate again and all of a sudden he gets feeling he can't stay there, that he might suffocate if he doesn't leave right now.

He gets up slowly and takes several tentative steps in the general direction of getting a way from the hospital. The problem was that once he started he could not stop. He started walking faster and faster until he was sprinting, lungs contracting, chest tightening, breaths short and ragged. And it felt good, the pain so vivid in comparison to the numbness he had felt before.

He runs and he runs, and it feels good that he doesn't have think about where he is headed or about the fact that he should be at the hospital, that Baily will skin him alive for taking off like that. He doesn't have to think about the fact that he is only wearing thin scrubs or that his shoes are not made for running and are hurting his feet. He doesn't have to think about his dead sister, or his dead mother, or his absent father, or his dead daughter.

And all of a sudden he has to stop. His stomach churning at the memories of everyone he lost and he feels he is going to be sick. He walks to the side of the road, doubling over, hands resting on his knees, as he retches violently, emptying everything he had for breakfast.

When the retching is over and he only dry heaves he finally straightens up, whipping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. He looks a around and realizes he has no idea where he is or how long it has been since he left the hospital. So he turns around and heads back the same way he got there.

By the time he finally gets back, cheeks flushed, hair dripping and his cloths damp with sweat, he is completely and utterly exhausted. He leans against the wall for support, trying his best not to fall over.

"Karev, where the hell have you been? And what, for god's sake where you thinking when you just took off like that leaving the Pit unattended?!" Dr. Baily yelled at him, seeming to appear out of thin air. He doesn't even remember getting back.

For just a split second, he thought he might just tell her. "My sister died". Only 3 words. She will understand. But he can't bring himself to say it out loud. Just the thought of it making him nauseous and he worries he might throw up again.

She looks at him, taking his physical state. He was obviously jogging, or something. In this cold, wearing nothing but his scrubs? He must be freezing. He is freezing, she realizes, when she notices him clearly shivering. But then she remembers the patient that would have crashed, had she not been there to cover for Alex's absence. And all concern leaves her and she is left with the anger she had felt before. Alex still stares at her, not uttering a sound and that makes her even angrier.

"Just get inside, and finish your post-op. We got it covered." And she can't help herself and adds "no thanks to you". And turns on her hills, leaving him in his numb state.

"Sorry". It is barely a whisper and he knows she is long gone and can't hear him, but he feels he has to apologize. To Dr. Baily, to his sister, to his mom, after all he had promised her a life time ago that he would make it right with Nicky and now he will never get that chance. "Sorry", he repeats and gets inside.

He walks into the locker room and heads to the shower, ignoring the stares of on of Meredith's interns. He turns on the shower and gets undressed. He adjusts the water until it is steaming hot and steps inside. He closes his eyes and lets the water run down his face. He allows himself to cry, knowing that no one will tell with the water running. He stays under the water for a long time, until he gets his breathing under control and he trusts himself not to break down in front of any one.

He needs to find some one to cover for him for a few days he realizes. The funeral is tomorrow, Tom said. And he needs to catch a plane or maybe he should just drive back to Iowa. Or maybe it is a bad idea to burry her there near his mom and … and Kate, he stutters at the memory of her. Or maybe this is all just a bad joke, or a nightmare and he will wake up any minute now. He starts laughing at the thought. Nick too is dead, along with everybody else he ever let himself care about. How funny is that? How funny that is that he is still here breathing and walking and she is just…. just isn't. He has no family left. How funny is that?

Hilarious, he thinks to himself.

He really does need to find some one to take over his shifts. So he gets dressed, his movements are on auto pilot but some how much slower, like he is moving underwater. He feels tears pricking his eyes and he wishes them away. "Get a grip". He tells himself for the second time that day and walks out.

He spots Meredith and Christina by the nurses' station and approaches. "Can either one of you cover for me tomorrow?" he asks, trying to make his sound as casual as possible.

"After the Hudini stunt you just pulled at the Pit, for which I have to thank now that I am covering the ER, you still have the nerve to take a little vacation?" Christina doesn't even try to hide her annoyance.

So that's a no, he thinks.

"Alex, is everything okay? You seem… off some how. Did something happen?"

Meredith's tone is more concerning and for the second time he nearly says it out loud. But instead the words coming out of his mouth are a perfect match to the mask he has back on.

"Nothing's wrong. I just have this thing I need to take care of, that's all ".

He feels guilty about it, for not mentioning her, like he forgets her. But then he remembers he never mentioned Nick to anyone and the way she had left and why. And the way it was like, after she had left. He is suddenly overwhelmed by grief and he thinks he might throw up again and he doesn't hear Meredith at first.

"So I can't cover you tomorrow and Izzie is already on. Maybe you should just ask Baily, but I would give her some time to cool off if I were you… It could get ugly…." Her beeper goes off and she leaves, Christina following her giving him the evil eye as she passes him by.

He knows now that he is not going to tell anyone. Not that it matters anyways. No one will make the slightest effort to help him out.

He gets through the rest of his shift the same way he has been like from the moment he got the call: Functioning merely on auto pilot, relying on the force of habit alone.

His shifts ends at 8 P.M. he figures that if he drives all the way back, he could probably make it in time for the funeral and back in one day. No one will even need to know.

He leaves a few minutes before his shift is over. He has no desire of seeing everyone else, or talking to anyone. He walks home this time. His car his back there, having car pooled with Izzie this morning. His feet are still sore from his earlier run, and he realizes it is even colder than before. But he doesn't stop. The cold air and the pain are the only things that remind him he is still alive.

Finally, he reaches Meredith's house, home. He takes some time looking around him, slowly taking in his surroundings. Funny, how he has gotten so used to this place to call it a home. Funny, how he never thought he could call anywhere a home again, especially after their deaths, his mother's and his daughter's. And now his sister's. People just keep dying around him.

He walks up to his room, glad no one else is home yet. Happy for the sidetrack, for having something to do, he starts packing. He remembers to pack a suit for the funeral. He takes the same suit he last wore for Christina's wedding but it's the first suit he finds and he doesn't have much time if he wants to make it to the funeral tomorrow and back. All in one day, as if it had never happened.

He goes down stairs lifting his bag. He leaves a note on the kitchen table: "Be back tomorrow night. Tell Baily I had something to do that cannot wait…" and he walks to his car, slamming the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

Alex returned early Wednesday morning. He was driving back all night and was absolutely, completely drained, physically and emotionally. He felt like he could sleep for days. But his shift was about to start in 20 minutes, and he had already skipped his last shift, so he headed straight to the hospital, without even stopping for coffee first. 

He enters the locker room and starts changing into a clean pair of scrubs. He is in his scrubs pants and a black wife-beater, a trade mark of his, he knows, when he hears Izzie's angry whispers. 

"I just can't believe him…. The nerve… he just takes off like that. Twice in one day, I might add, and I get stuck pulling a double shift."

"Hey, don't bight my head off. I was there too, remember? Covering his morning shift. I'm just as ready to kill him as you are…." He heard Meredith's voice. She too sounded angry. 

As they enter a little more into the locker room they suddenly spot him. Standing in front of his locker with his back turned to them. 

"Look who decided to finally show up. Enjoyed you time off?" Izzie asks, all full of sarcasm and annoyance. 

"It's not what you think, Izz". He says slowly. He hasn't said out loud since he got the news the day before yesterday. He tried though. Stood in front of a mirror and tried to utter those 3 words. But he still couldn't. He feels that if he says it, it will all be all too real again and he still can't bear that thought. He can hardly hold it together as it is. And he is just so tired….

"So enlighten me. What was is that it was so important that you just took off like that, without even caring who you were screwing in the process?". 

"Izzie!" Meredith said, a little shocked by Izzie's accusing voice, and placed a hand on her upper right arm indicating her to stop.

He was just about to reply, to tell her it's none of her business, when Cristina, Lexie and George enter the locker room. He suddenly felt surrounded, trapped. And he could feel his breath hitching. He starts to hyperventilate and wonders if anyone notices his distress, and that panics him even more. He has got to get his act together. He turns around and pretends to look for his scrubs shirt while drawing in slow deep breaths. When he is sure he can face them again he turns around. A little disappointed that no one even so much as glares at his direction. 

Dr. Baily enters the room as well all business: "Yang, you're with Hahn and take your intern with you. Grey- Shepard, and I don't want to hear a word of complaint. Izzie you are covering the Pit today…"

"What? I was covering the Pit yesterday and the day before that to be exact…" She started to protest.

"You have Dr. Karev here to thank him for that, it was his responsibility yesterday, and the day before that." Dr. Baily replied in the same manner. 

After all the other residents and interns had left, Dr. Baily add in al low voice: "Karev, you and I are going to the Chief."

He suddenly felt light headed. The Chief. That can't be good. What if he will get kicked out of the program? He already screwed up once with his boards and all. He can't lose this. He thought to himself. Not now, when he has nothing else left in his life, nothing else worth living for. 

As they leave the locker room together Alex can't help the feeling of being sent to the principal office. And it scares him. The same way it always did as a kid. He always feared someone would notice and call child's protective services or the cops, and that he and Nicky will be sent away. He just wants to take off again but with Dr. Baily at his side he just has to keep on walking. 

They enter Dr. Webber's office and Alex gets the feeling they had already decided what will have to be done. 

"Not once in my whole career" Dr. Webber starts right off as though he hasn't even acknowledged their presence. "I have never came a cross such an irresponsible behavior. You are a doctor, a resident. You are not some intern who can just go about pulling stunts like this. You have a responsibility. To you patients, your colleagues, this hospital. What the hell were you thinking?" 

He sounds truly pissed off, and the fact he hasn't even raised his voice and the fact that Baily hasn't said a word makes him panic even more.

"I'm sorry" He says in a low voice. 

Dr. Baily just sneers. 

"No surgeries". Dr. Webber continues. That really gets Alex's attention now. 

"What? What do you mean?" He asks.

"You should be thanking me I'm not taking this to the disciplinary committee. People got thrown out of this program for a lot less. But no surgeries. You will not enter the O.R for a month. You will not touch a scalper until I say so. The closest you will get to the O.R is the gallery. Where you will sit and observe only, with your interns. Am I making myself clear, Dr. Karev?"

"Yes, sir". Alex finally looks up. 

"That's all" Dr. Webber says, indicating for them to leave. 

Alex slowly gets up. Pushing him self of the chair. He feels a bit dizzy and tries to remember when was the last time he ate. God, he was so tired. 

Out side the Chief's office he feels he has to say something to Dr. Baily, to try and explain. He opens his mouth but she quickly shuts him up. 

"I don't even want to hear it. I don't… I don't even want to look at you right now." Her beeper goes off and for a split second he gets this rush. This feeling he always gets when there is a chance for a good surgery. But then he remembers that he is banned from the O.R and all excitement leaves him. 

"Just catch on your paper work. And by the way, you are covering the Pit tonight instead of Stevens. You at least owe her tha" Dr. Baily says as she checks the beeper. And she leaves towards the elevator. 

He grabs a few charts and heads towards the hallway when he and the other residents usually hangout when they don't want to run into anyone. 

He slopes on an empty gurney and leans against the wall closing his eyes for just a second. He allows him self to think of his sister. He misses her. Her absence so present he can almost feel it. He tries to remember the she looked like and realized he doesn't remember her the way she was at his mother's funeral. He still remembers her as the 16 year old kid who climbed out the window and never looked back. He got it, why she took off like that. Back then there were times when he wished he could just leave, vanish. But he couldn't. He couldn't leave his mom alone with him, with his father; he would kill her some day, if he is not around to protect her. And after his dad had left, well, he just couldn't leave her alone like that. But he still got why his sister left. Hell, sometimes he envied her, for doing what was best for her, for not having anyone else to worry about. But he also remembers how alone he felt back then, after she was gone. And he feels so alone right now that it hurts. 

He tries to concentrate on the patient's file in front of him. But his eyes are burning from lack of sleep. He lays down on the gurney, finally allowing the exhaustion take over him. He puts his feet up so he can lay there comfortably, rolling over to his left side so he is facing the wall and closes his eyes. 

He was a sleep with in a matter of seconds. 

"You have to see it to believe it" Alex is suddenly awakened by George's voice. "This patient, she has like two hearts. Well it's not exactly two hearts. It's more like one heart and a tumor, which has some electric activity… but she got, well she has two hearts. Even Hahn was blown away."

He is fully awake now, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. How long was he out?

"It's true" Cristina added. "It's like nothing you have ever seen before and I get to scrub in". 

"I spend 3 hours getting her history. Do you know she lost a baby; her daughter had hypoplastic right-heart syndrome- pulmonary atresia with intact ventricular septum. What are the odds of that?" 

Okay he is really awake now. 

"Sleep well?" Meredith asks, and he can't figure if she is being sarcastic or just being nice to him. "What did the Chief say?"

So she is just being nice and concerned. 

"No surgeries for now, I'm forbidden from entering the O.R" He replies. 

Meredith simply nods, but he can tell that George and Cristina are gloating a little. 

"Well, we were just headed for some coffee and then to check the two hearts patient of Hahn's. Want to come?" She smiles at him. And for just a split second she reminds him of her. And he just want to allow him self to be taken care of. But it's been so long since he last had anyone who took care of him that he doesn't know how. 

"Nah. I'll just stay here and catch on some of these charts. But maybe I'll drop by later to get a sneak pick at the two heart's chick." He declines. 

"Hey, if you think you can just show up here and still this cool, this very very cool patient, you can just forget about it. I saw her first" George says. 

And all of a sudden he feels so angry with him. He just said he is not allowed into surgeries, so where the hell was all that coming from?

"And besides, what the point anyway, it's not like you will be able to scrub in…"

And that's all it takes. Alex jumps to his feet, knocking the chart to the floor, and grabs George by the collar and shoves him roughly against the wall. He could hear a small thud when George's skull connects with the wall and he winces with pain. "Just shut the hell up…" 

"Alex, leave him alone" Christina says in a low voice. 

"You are in enough trouble as it is. Do you want to get kicked out?" Meredith tries to reason with him. 

He almost hits him but than he realizes what he is about to do and holds back. What the hell is wrong with him? He drops his hands and tries to tell weather George will tell the Chief or not. Right now, he doesn't even care. 

He picks up the charts and sits back on the gurney. Once they leave he sighs heavily. This is going to be such a long day. 

By early next morning Alex is all about ready to drop. He got maybe an hour sleep last night while covering the Pit. There was some kind of a fraternity party gone bad, and the ER was full of drunken students who needed stitching up and throwing up all over the place. Not a single surgical case to top all of that. He realizes he is working on sheer adrenaline, which can only last for so long, after having slept maybe 5 hours during the past 4 days. 

He sits by himself at the cafeteria for a while trying to make the best out of his 4th cup of coffee that day. Willing the caffeine to kick in, and then decides to go the surgical floor. The Chief didn't say he wasn't allowed to see patients. Might as well check out what was all the commotion about this new patient of Hahn's. 

He spots the room quickly, all the other residents are there, and George and Lexie and even Dr. Baily is there. He enters the room quietly; realizing it's rounds time, and stands behind the rest of the interns. Maybe no one will notice him there. 

"Crystal West, 29, has a tumor surrounding the right ventricle and is scheduled for surgery Friday morning" George presents. 

"How are you feeling today Mrs. West?" Hahn asks approaching the bed. "Where is Ryan? I thoughts you said he'd be here with you".

"The boys are sick. He will drop them off at his mother's and will fly in later today".

He hears the patient's reply. And all of a sudden he feels the blood drains from his face. Oh God, he recognizes that voice. "Chris" He let her name slip. They all look at him. But he only sees her. She hasn't changed. 

"Al, what…? What are you….? I thought you were supposed to be…." She suddenly stutters. 

"Al?" he hears Meredith whispering in Izzie's ear. 

He walks a little closer. Chris looks at him. She has a nasal canola and her lips have a slight tingle of blue to them. She is hooked to and EKG the wires stick out her hospital gown. She has an IV line inserted in her left arm. And her left index finger is attached to a pulse-ox machine. Her hair is longer than he remembered. But her eyes are warm and kind.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like hell". 

Well at least some one is stating the obvious, he thinks. "I don't know how I'm supposed to take it the right way" He mumbles back. "It's just… I haven't been… I haven't…."

"Slept since Nicky's funeral?" Chris completes the sentence for him. The way she always has, he remembers. 

"Something like that, Yeah, maybe even since a little before that…." He finally admits it. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. I know you wanted to make things right between the two of you. That you promised your mom…" She pauses for a second. "God rest her soul" She adds as she crosses herself. 

He crosses him self too. The movement feels so familiar, even though he hasn't done it in years. God, he forgot how easy it was with her. How easy it is when you don't have to spell out everything for some one. 

"How are you holding up?" she asks, interrupting his thoughts. "You look beyond exhausted."

"I'm fine…" He starts giving her his usual reply.

"Don't you even bother that with me. I've seen you fine, Al. This ain't it." Her voice is somehow harsh. "So, how are you really?" Her voice softens. "How are you handling you sister's death?"

"What?" Now it was Izzie's turn to sound shocked. 

It actually hurts. He realizes. Physically hurts, to hear the words "sister" and "death" in one sentence. He presses his palms roughly into his eyes. He feels the tears threatening to break again. He sniffles a little before replying. 

"Not that great". He could never lie to her. He moves closer and sits on the end of the bed.

"Have you got drunk yet and hit some one?" She asks in a playful tone, and he appreciates her efforts. 

"Not yet…" He replies in the same manner, slightly smiling. "But I came this close" He adds in a more serious tone. The smile is also gone. 

"Why didn't you tell me you are sick?" He asks her, not really looking for a reply, his voice cracking a bit. 

"I don't know." He voice is quiet. "God, Al. I'm so scared." She adds in a whisper. 

"Don't be, you're in good hands". As he says it he is suddenly aware that they are not alone in the room. He could tell all eyes are on him. He could hear Dr. Baily asking Izzie and Christina: "Did you know about this? Did you know about his sister?"

Crystal must have sensed it too. She turns to face Dr. Hahn and the rest of the staff in the room.

Dr. Hahn clears her throat. "So I guess you know each other…" She states the obvious staring at Chris and then back at him. 

I guess you could say that, he thinks to himself. He can barely remember the time when he didn't know Crystal. He is caught up in his thoughts again and is completely unprepared for the next words that come out of Chris's mouth.

"So, I guess no introductions are required. You all already know my ex-husband…?"

"What!" Izzie doesn't even try to hide her surprise or to say it quietly, for that matter. 

"But I thought you said you lost a baby from your first marriage?" George asks her. 

Alex turns around to face them and stares at him and George finally understands, "Oh" He adds as the realization sets in. 

After rounds are over and everybody leaves he is left alone with Crystal. 

"God, I am so sorry. I had no idea no one knew." 

"Don't worry about it, Chris, it's fine." He assures her, they were bound to find out sometime anyway. 

"I mean… I should have expected it from you." She continues. "You never talk about these things. But I just assumed that you had told them about your sister. And about our marriage and Kate… God, I am so so sorry" She blurts out. 

"Chris, Chris, It's fine, really. If anything, you helped me break the news to them I have been trying to do that for the last few days… Look, I really have to go. Seriously, It's fine. Get some rest and I'll come see you in a little while, okay?" He places a kiss on her forehead and gets up to leave. He is almost at the door when Chris calls out to him. 

"Al?"

"Yeah?" he turns around. 

"Could you stay with me? Just for a little while?" She sounds like a terrified little girl. 

"Sure". He goes back in side and pulls a chair so he could sit right next to the bed. He can see she clearly relaxed a bit. Her breaths even out as she falls a sleep. He stays there for a while, watching her sleep. She seems so peaceful. He is suddenly scared of losing her too. He finally gets up, he brushes her hair lightly and kisses her forehead again before leaving. 

Dr. Baily catches up with him, and he gets the feeling that he was being ambushed. That she waited for him to come out of Chris's room. 

"Alex" She pulls him into an empty room. "I'm sorry about your sister and… erh… everything. I should have been more attentive. I never even asked for your side in all this…"

"Don't" He almost pleads with her. "Don't. I don't need you to feel sorry for me". 

"Look, take some time off. Rest. You do look like crap". 

"I don't need time off; I need to be working…" He sounds desperate now. 

"Alex, you just buried your sister, your ex-wife suddenly shows up here for a heart surgery. It must be hard. Give yourself some time. If you don't want to take time off that's fine. But you are taking the rest of the day off". From her tone he got that it wasn't a request.

"I'll clear everything with the Chief, don't worry. Now go home". 

He walks down the hall way towards the locker room and has this strange feeling everyone is staring at him, pitying him. He tries to ignore it as he pushes the door quietly open.

"I mean, the dead sister thing I get" He hears Christina saying. "I mean he has been acting strange for the past few days. Well, strange even for Alex. But the whole ex-wife thing! What is that? Alex was married?"

"What I don't get is why the hell didn't he tell us? Why didn't he tell me? The whole time we know each other? The whole time we were dating? I mean, you know someone for almost 2 years. You think you know a person….." Izzie sounds genuinely hurt. She is unbelievable he thinks to himself. 

"I don't care about that" Christina says. "Alex was married? Alex was married!"

"Would you stop repeating that? Yes, he was married. Shocking, I know" George answers back. 

"And what's the deal with the dead daughter thing?"

"Christina!" Meredith nearly shouts when she realizes he has been standing at the door for quite some time. 

"Alex… We didn't mean…" Meredith begins to apologize. 

"Stop. Stop it. You see? This is why I didn't tell you. This is why I never talk about these things. Not about my marriage, well divorce actually, not about my dead kid, not about my dead sister. It's called a private life for a reason. I don't need you to feel sorry for me and I as sure as hell don't need your pity." He suddenly realizes he is shouting at the top of his lungs. He exhales softly and grabs his bag from his locker, not even bothering to change the scrubs he is wearing into regular cloths. 

"I'm going home." He adds quietly. 


	3. Chapter 3

Alex leaves the locker room, leaving the rest of the residents shocked by his outburst. He stops by Chris' room on his way out. She is asleep while Dr. Hahn is reviewing her chart. She looks up as he enters the room. 

"She is pretty out of it, I don't think she will wake up anytime soon" She mentions. He understands what she is saying to him. Saying it's okay for him to not be there for a while, without having to worry about her. That it's okay for him to go home for a while. He nods in understanding and grabs some paper to leave Chris a note. Just in case. He hurriedly scrabbles: "Gone home. Be back in a few hours. Get some rest. Al" and leaves it on the table for her to see when she wakes up. 

He finally leaves the hospital contemplating on whether he should walk back home or just drive there. He is really tempted to walk back, the cool air might do him some good, but his car is parked at the hospital's parking lot and he really just wants to get home, grab a shower and hit the sack. So driving back it is, he finally makes up his mind. 

He parks right in front of the house and grabs his bag, the one he packed when he left for the funeral a few days ago. He quickly unlocks the door and steps inside. It feels weird being there all alone. It's quiet, different somehow. Usually the place is filled with people, his friends. He goes straight up to his room. He knows he should probably grab something to eat first. He hasn't really had anything to eat at all since the day of the funeral, and the lack of food combined with a lack of sleep can't be good. You don't need a degree in medicine to know that. But the mere thought of food makes him nauseous so he decides to pass, he'll just get some sleep and then he will eat. 

He begins to unpack. He puts everything where it belongs and then hangs the suit back in the closet, when something catches his eye. It's a small box he put in the back of the closet when he first moved in. He grabs the box and sits on his bed. It's a box he has with some of his personal belongings which are the most important to him. Okay, it contains everything that is important to him, but the thought that it all fits into this little box just makes him sad. 

He opens the box and starts going through its contents. There is this picture of his mother. The only picture she ever looked sober in. He tries to remember whether she was actually sober or not when it was taken, but then he thinks that it doesn't make any difference now anyway. He finds a small golden chain with a crucifix. This too was his mother's. She had never taken it off until the day she died. It's a sin to commit suicide so she took it off before she shot herself. He remembers that it was the first thing he had noticed when he found her. He holds the chain in his hands staring at the cross for a few seconds and then puts it back inside. 

Next he finds a picture of him and his sister. It was taken without their knowledge by Chris' mother, and it was taken from a distance. They sit on the ground right out side their house. He is holding a stick in his hand and Nick just stares at him. He remembers it was taken right after one of their parent's worst fights. While the picture was taken, his mother was lying all broken and bruised inside. His father passed out on the couch. He and Nicky helped their mother to her room and put her in bed. Nicky wiped away her blood with a towel and warm water, while he stitched a small gash along her hair line. He was maybe 11 years old. He remembers that Nicky couldn't do the stitching herself, because she was shaking so badly, so he had to do it himself. It wasn't the first time. After their mother had finally fallen asleep they got out of the house. They just needed to get away. Eventually they only made it as far as front yard. 

He replaces the picture back inside and digs a little more. At the bottom he finds two small wedding rings. They were simple; they didn't really have money for the fancy type of rings. He goes through some more pictures, still holding the rings, until he finds the one he is looking for. It's a picture of him and Chris when they were 8 or maybe 9 years old. He looks at the both of them smiling, posing for the camera. He smiles too. When he pulls the picture out to take a better look he gets a glimpse of another picture. It's Kate's. The only picture he's got. He traces his hands along the small photograph and sighs. He then replaces the picture and the rings back inside, grabs the box and puts it back at the back of the closet. 

He grabs a quick shower and changes into a clean sweat pants and a black wife beater. He goes back to his room, shuts the drapes so the room is almost completely dark and goes into bed. He closes his eyes, lets the exhaustion of the past few days consume him. He is so tired, and depressed and drained but sleep doesn't come. Every time he closes his eyes he sees his sister at the age of 16, or his mother lying on the bathroom floor, or Chris lying in the hospital bed, looking so beautiful and sick. He turns on his stomach and tries to get the images out of his head. But he can't. 

He doesn't know how long exactly he has been trying to sleep. Tossing and turning in bed. But after a while he finally gives up. He gets up feeling frustrated and even more tired, if that's even possible. He opens the drapes, there is still light out side, and decides to go out for a run instead. He doesn't change his cloths just puts on his running shoes and leaves the house. He is, once again, under dressed and is cold. But he doesn't go back to change into something more appropriate for this kind of weather. He starts off at quick pace, feeling his body's protests almost immediately, but he doesn't stop. If anything, he picks up his pace just a little more, suddenly getting the urge to push himself slightly over his limits. It's getting harder and harder to breath. His muscles are tired from the lack of food and sleep, his left side, right bellow the rib cage feels like it's on fire and he can feel his heart beat faster and faster. But he just pushes through the pain and continues on. 

Meredith enters the house a few hours later. It's been a very long day, and this whole week is just one disaster after another. She notices Alex's car is parked out side. Good, he's home, she thinks to herself. 

"Alex?" She calls out to him. No answer. He's probably sleeping. That's good too. He definitely needs the rest. She goes into the kitchen, grabs a banana-chocolate chip muffin Izzie made last night and a glass of orange juice and heads towards Alex's room. He probably hasn't eaten anything. She would have brought coffee but some how she doesn't think he needs more caffeine and the orange juice seems more. 

"Alex?" She calls again when she reaches the top of the stairs. Still no answer. She gently knocks on his bedroom door. When she still doesn't get any reply she pushes the door open and notices the room is empty. She puts down the muffin and the glass on the bedside table. He's not even home… she talks softly to her self. Right then, she hears the front door being opened. She leaves Alex's room; he probably wouldn't like it to catch her in there. She knows it's him, because Izzie is working tonight and no on is supposed to drop by. But she is completely unprepared for the sight she sees from the top of the stairs. 

Alex is standing inside right by the door. He is only wearing his wife beater but he is sweating. His face is so pale and his skin looks clammy. She doesn't know if he even notices she is there watching him. He leans heavily against the wall, eyes slam shut. She can see his chest rise and fall a little too fast. And then suddenly he slides to the floor. 

"Alex!" She is by his side in a matter of seconds. She grabs his wrist and searches for a pulse. It's a little weak and quite fast. But by the look of him he was probably running or something. She quickly runs to the kitchen and returns with a glass of water.

"Alex" She calls his name again. 

Alex knew it was a bad idea to go out for a run. By the time he finally gets back he can't catch his breath, his vision is beginning to grey at the edges and he feels so nauseated he is sure he is going to throw up any minute now. He fumbles with his keys and he is quite shocked when he actually gets the key in, in only one try, when he is shaking so badly. As he steps inside he is stricken with a sudden wave of dizziness and he half leans half falls back against the wall. He can feel bile rise at the back of his throat and he shuts his eyes and swallows hard. The last thing he wants is to vomit all over Meredith's floor. The dizziness suddenly intensifies, his knees buckle and he slides to the floor. Yeah, he knew it was a very bad idea. 

He hears some one call his name but it sounds so far a way and he feels too weak to answer. He feels a light pressure at his right wrist. After a few seconds he hears the same voice calling for him again. Closer this time. Meredith. When the hell did she get home? 

"I don't feel s' good" He slurs. 

"Hear, drink this". And suddenly a glass is pressed against his lips. He takes a small sip and coughs a little. 

"Drink some more" She orders him, and he does so. The dizziness subsides as well as the nausea. He opens his eyes only to see Meredith's concerned eyes looking straight at him. 

"You good now?"

"Yeah, I feel better" He answers. 

"You think you can make it upstairs?"

He nods. He places his right hand against the wall and pushes himself off the floor and is surprised when Meredith grabs his left hand and helps him up. He sways a little and Meredith grabs his arm to steady him. They are almost at the top of the stairs when he feels sick again. He covers his mouth with his hand and dashes for the bathroom. This time he can't hold it in anymore and he violently vomits, hands clutching the toilet bowl. He has barely had anything to eat the past few days and is only vomiting bile. The acid burns his throat. He feels Meredith resting a hand on his back slowly running soothing circles. She fills a glass of water with her other hand and hands it to him. He wipes his mouth with one hand and grabs the glass with the other. 

"Thanks" He takes slow large sips. "I think I'm going to take a shower…" He says, indicating for her to leave. 

"Okay" She says but makes no attempt to move. 

"Meredith" He says with a warning tone.

"What? I just don't want you to pass out, hit your head and be found naked and bleeding by the paramedics. That is really embarrassing…. Look, I won't look. I promise" She sits on the floor leaning against the tub and covers her eyes with her hands the same way you do when you play "pick a boo". 

"What are you a 3 year old? Fine…" He accepts the fact that she will not leave. He turns on the shower and lets the water run for while to warm up as he undresses. He steps in side and feels his muscles relax under the hot water. 

"What the hell were you thinking going out for a run like that?"

He sighs. "I don't know. I couldn't sleep. I just felt like running… could you do me a favor and get me some clean cloths from my room?" He asks her. 

"Sure. Don't lock the door" She leaves. Finally he gets a few seconds for himself. He turns off the water and grabs a clean towel. He quickly dries himself and drapes the towel around his waist just as Meredith returns. He takes his cloths from her and to his surprise she leaves, letting him dress in private. 

He enters his room knowing she is already there. Meredith sits on his bed handing him the muffin and orange juice. 

"Hear, eat some thing". 

He sits next to her and drinks half a glass. He places the glass on the bedside table and picks the muffin. 

"Izzie made it last night" She explains. 

He picks a chocolate chip with his thumb and index finger from the top and puts it in his mouth. It tastes good. 

"We were 17" He clears his throat a little. "17 when we got married". She nods just a little, just enough to encourage him to go on. He takes a bite from the muffin and holds it out to her, but she shakes her head. 

"When you grow up in No-Where-ville Iowa that's just what you do when…"

"You knocked her up?" Meredith asks and takes some of the muffin Alex offered after all. "That was George's guess…"

He ignores that last comment and goes on. "Yeah, you know. No wedding day smiles, no walk down the aisle, no flowers, no wedding dress" He quotes Springsteen, one of his favorite song. "Well, actually we did get married in a church, my mother insisted, and there were some flowers and Chris had this dress…. It wasn't like that with us."

"I've known her since second grade, when they moved to the house across the street. I ignored her at first. I mean, I knew her from school, she was in my class. But I don't remember ever inviting her over or paying attention to her outside of school when we were both home. I think Nicky started that. Nick's my sister…." He explains. "Was my sister" He corrects. 

He inhales slowly, holding his breath for a few seconds before exhaling. "I think Nicky was just lonely and she needed someone else there. So she started playing with Chris, even though they were 4 years apart. And then, once Chris was there I started joining them and the rest is…"

"History?" Meredith completes the sentence for him once again. 

"Chris used to patch me up after my father…. Usually Nick did that, but sometimes when it was really bad she just couldn't, so Chris would do that instead. You know, so I wouldn't have to go to the hospital, because they have to report these things and then I would have to lie. I hate lying."

Well that explains the whole I Don't Do Lies mantra of his, Meredith thinks. 

"And after Nick took off… I was 12 or so… Chris would sometimes help with my mom. When my father was around, she helped me patch her up. Clean her wounds, stitch her up… those sorts of things. And after he took off she would help me carry her to bed when she was to drunk to walk, or she would sometimes help her bath so I wouldn't have to do that…." He looks at her and for a split second there looks cross, but he quickly averts his eyes. 

Oh God, and I thought my childhood was all messed up…. Meredith thinks as she studies him. He is staring a head again; his eyes are fixed some where on the foot of the bed. He still holds the muffin, though he has made no attempt to eat some more. And she thinks he looks like he is about to cry any second now but when he speaks again his voice is steady, almost detached. 

"I don't remember exactly how we got together. It seemed so natural back then. I mean, she was always there; something was bound to happen sooner or later. I think we were about 14 when it became official. And it was great, you know?" He smiles a little as he remembers. "Well, not great with everything else. But… the rest was pretty messed up… I mean…" He can't seem to find the right words to describe his childhood. "It was hell. And Chris… she made it somehow bearable."

He closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths as he goes on. "And then she got pregnant. I don't know how it happened. Well… I mean… I know how it happened… but we were always careful…. But it didn't matter. I mean, a few years wouldn't have mattered anyway, right? And I always pictured myself with her. So we decided to get married. Her parents freaked. They went to talk to my mother…." He chuckles a little. "God, she was so wasted when they stormed over… she passed out on the couch in the middle of the conversation…" He can't help it and he laughs at the memory. 

What's so funny about that? Meredith thinks. She doesn't urge him. He'll continue on his own time. He drinks some more juice and then goes on. "We had a small wedding. Chris was gorgeous. She was showing a little…. We moved in with my mother. Chris' parents weren't thrilled about that either. But someone had to stay with her at all times; she couldn't take care of herself by then…."

He stops again. This is getting to the point where it really hurts, the pain almost physically present. He had never told this to anyone. A lot of people knew about what had happen, of course- it's hard keeping secrets in a small town- but he has never said it out loud to anyone. He is not even sure he will be able to finish his story without completely breaking down. 

"And then Katelline… ah… Kate was born. She was sick, you know? What am I saying, of course you know, it's in Chris' chart…" He mumbles. It has always been hard for him to talk about his daughter. "She was born early… 34th week. It was so cold that day. I drove Chris to the hospital. She was scared… in pain… by the time we made it to the hospital she was ready to push. Kate… she was…. ah…. She was so tiny and blue. She wasn't crying. And at first I thought she was dead, but then I saw her moving and she was still not crying and that freaked me out more than anything. And Chris was asking Al what's wrong? What's wrong with her? Why isn't she crying?" His voice was pitching and his breath was getting faster. 

"They told us about her heart defect a couple hours later. Chris was exhausted and kept crying. They told us they didn't think she would make it through the night…. And that we should prepare ourselves for the worst. They didn't even let us see her at first, let alone hold her…." He has to stop again to get his breathing under control. "She fought for almost four days…" His voice cracks and he can't go on. He fights the tears back so hard. He never thought it would be this hard even after all these years. 

He suddenly gets up and startles Meredith. He opens the closet and gets the box he left there only a few hours ago. He has his back to Meredith and even though it only took him a few seconds to find the picture he was looking for he stays there for a little longer pretending to be still looking until he is sure he is not going to cry in front of her. 

"Here" He says as he stands up and hands Meredith the picture. "This was Kate. I think it was taken by one of the nurses. It was taken a couple hours before she… ah… before…. she died. It was the only time they let us hold her…." Meredith looks at the picture; it is quite old and a bit torn at the edges. Alex is wearing the same sort of scrubs they give family members. He looks almost exactly the same, only younger. His hair is a little longer. He sits in a chair in what appears to be a NICU. He is holding the baby, Kate, in his arms, her tiny head rests at the crook of his elbow. She has a feeding tube down her nose, a large bandage is covering her entire left hand securing the IV line in place, her bare chest is covered with the EKG electrodes and the diaper seems too big for her small body. Her lips have a slight bluish color and she is holding Alex's finger in a tight grip. He is looking at her and Chris, who sits in a chair next to him, rests her head on his shoulder. They both seem oblivious to the picture that in been taken. 

"We buried her four days after she was born" He finally goes on. He contemplates on whether to tell her the whole story of what happened after the funeral or to hold back. He feels he can trust Meredith, he always thought they were very much alike in many ways, so he continues. "Chris first brought up the idea. She said no parent should ever bury his child that no parent should have to live while his child isn't…. so we made this pact…" He waits to see if Meredith gets where he is getting at until he sees her eyes widen as the realization sets in. 

"We decided to use pills. Rookie mistake. We did it at my house. We were sure no one would find us there. I mean, my mom, she was usually passed out in her bed by 11 AM…. We kissed good bye and each swallowed a whole box of valium. My mom always kept some around. I don't know what happened exactly. I was told my mom had found us, called the paramedics. But next thing I knew I woke up in a psych ward in restrains a tube up my nose pushing charcoal down. Chris was also there with her parent, though I couldn't see them at first. My mom was MIA as usual. And that's it. I left the hospital 3 days later, Chris still not talking to me. She filed for divorce 3 weeks later…."

He stops there and Meredith realizes after a few moments of silence that he is done. Alex looks at her trying to tell what she thinks of him now, now that she knows everything… well almost everything. 

"Man, and I thought my life was all screwed up…." She says leaning forward to take the muffin and takes a small bite. He can't help but chuckle a little. Maybe things don't have to change between them after all. 

"That's mine" He indicates the now half eaten muffin. 

"Well, you weren't exactly eating… and besides it's not real food." She faces him and levels until their looks cross. "Are you okay?" She asks. 

"No…" He says. "But I do feel better, thanks". 

"Why don't you come down and I'll make you some dinner?"

"You will cook?" He raises his eyebrows. "I think I'll pass… No, seriously, Meredith, I just want to get some sleep okay? So maybe later?"

"Yeah, you get some rest, it's a good idea. I'll order some take outs…" She leaves the room. 

"Hey, Mer?" He calls out to her and she turns around. "Thanks…"

He doesn't put the picture back this time, just leaves it on the bedside table and gets under the covers. This time, he is asleep within a matter of seconds. 


	4. Chapter 4

Izzie returns home at nine thirty P

Izzie returns home at nine thirty P.M to find Meredith in the kitchen eating straight out of a box of Chinese take out. She heavily sighs, sits down and reaches for one of the boxes. 

"I'm exhausted" She declares. "Where's Alex?"

"He's asleep. I came back and he wasn't home. Apparently he decided to go out for a run, after a few days of no sleep and almost no food. Stupid. He nearly collapsed when he got home" Meredith answers and as she watches Izzie's eyes widen in concern she quickly adds "He's okay now. So I decided to order some take out, you know, with my cooking and all."

Yeah, that's probably the best…." Izzie refers to her cooking and Meredith contemplates on whether she should be offended or not." 

"I still can't believe he was married, and had a daughter."

"Izzie, it's not something you just bring up in the conversation" Meredith tries to reason with her. She puts the box down and reaches for a muffin instead. 

"It's not that. It's just… well we've all known each other for quite some time now. And we see each other every day… the whole day... right? And the truth is we really don't know much about each other…" She explains. "I mean, Alex almost never talks about his past, or his family. The bits he does let slip every now and then aren't that great…." She doesn't go into specifics, doesn't know if Alex wants anyone else to know. Even the few details she knows about his family came out not entirely directly. Just some facts he blurted out, usually to patients, that she accidentally over heard. And even then, it was never the complete story. Just random facts and Alex usually caught himself and probably thinking he had revealed too much, stopped and had his mask back on within seconds. "So I think that maybe we are the closest thing he has for a family…" She looks up at Meredith. I think we are the closest thing we all have for a family. And family… their supposed to trust each other, to confine in each other, to turn to each other in time of need. And Alex… he didn't even tell us, you know? What the hell does that mean about us?" 

Meredith doesn't know how to respond to that. Izzie is probably right, they really don't know that much about each other…. And the family part… well she's probably right about that too. They both sit in silence for a little while until Izzie talks first. "I… I have a daughter. She's 11, well almost 12…." She blurts out, picking at the food, waiting to see Meredith's shocked expression. 

"What?!" Meredith reaction is soon to follow. What with everyone today, and their need to pour their hearts out to her?

"Hannah. I had her when I was 16 and I gave her up for adoption. I never told anyone that either. Well George knows…. And Bailey. But that's just because she was sick, leukemia, and needed a bone marrow transplant."

"I remember. That's explains a few things…."

"I mean, I kept things to myself too, you know? And even you, you never mentioned your mother was sick until it just came out… maybe we all don't know each other at all." She puts the box of food down, suddenly not at all that hungry. 

"I guess it just takes time, to trust someone, to let someone else into your life. Maybe when we all got here we were just looking for a fresh start." 

They sit in silence again for a while randomly picking at the various boxes in front of them when Alex walks in. He is clearly only just woken up, squints his eyes against the bright light in the kitchen. He is wearing the same cloths from before and he's barefooted. 

"Hey. I thought I smelled some food. Good. I'm starving" He grabs the box from Izzie and eats some, trying to ignore their stares. 

"Are you feeling better?" Meredith asks. 

"Yeah, how long was I out?"

"About a couple of hours." She answers as she studies him. Even though he finally got some rest he still looks tired. He got dark circles bellow his eyes, and his eyes seem red and Meredith can't decide if it's just because of the reaction to the bright light in the kitchen, or because he has been crying.

"Not nearly enough" Izzie adds. 

"I know…" His answer is sincere and that catches Izzie and Meredith by surprise; they were sure they would get his usual I'm-Fine reply. "I want to go back to the hospital. Chris called, said Ryan's… ah… her husband's flight was delayed and I don't want her to spend the night alone." He gets up to leave for the hospital. 

"At least finish you food, Alex… God, you nearly fainted just a few hours ago, you've got to eat something." Izzie sounds pissed. Okay, so Meredith obviously updated her with what's happened. But he doubted she told her what he had shared about his past, she wouldn't break his trust like that. He doesn't get it, what the hell is angry about? The fact that he didn't eat? The fact that he didn't tell her? He seriously doesn't feel like apologizing, doesn't know if he's up to it anyways. And suddenly he feels a little pissed off at her reaction. God, why can't she just give him a break?

"I did not faint." He says coldly. "And I'll just take some of leftovers with me when I go back, Mom." He emphasizes that last word, and leaves. 

"I know, I know…" Izzie says before Meredith will get the chance. "I don't know what came over me. God I wish this week will end…" and with that she leaves too, leaving Meredith alone in the kitchen to wonder when the hell did everything go so wrong. 

Alex arrives at the hospital an hour later. He doesn't change into his scrubs, he's off anyways, and heads towards Chris' room. He walks for a few seconds enjoying the quietness of the halls at night, when he suddenly bumps into George. The impact makes him drop all the charts he was holding to the floor, scattering in every direction. George sighs and starts picking up the charts, not even bothering to look at him. Alex also bends down, picks the rest of the charts and hands them back to George. 

"Looks George… about before…" He starts to apologize. It really wasn't George's fault he's been having a week from hell; wasn't his fault people were dying around him…. If anything, that was his own fault… "I… ah… I'm sorry. I was having a bed week, I am having a bad week" He corrects. "And I shouldn't have taken it out on you…"

George stares at him in surprise. No bambi, no O'Malley… and Alex is apologizing. Alex doesn't do apologies, this is getting weird. He nods. Letting Alex know he accepted his apology. "I'm sorry, Alex… about your sister and all." 

"Thanks, man." He mumbles back. George starts to leave, when Alex calls after him. "Hey, how Chris is doing?"

"She… ah… her surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning… she's doing fine, considering."Alex simply nods and heads to her room. 

Chris is awake when he gets there. He takes a few moments before entering and he just watches her. She really hasn't changed much. Her hair is in a slightly different color of black, a little stronger than he remembers, and it's a bit shorter than the way she used to wear it when they were in high school. She looks so beautiful, he can't stop himself from thinking, but she seems so fragile with all the machines she's attached to. 

Crystal notices Alex standing there; she kind of feels his presence before she even looks up to see him actually standing there. She smiles at him, but her smile doesn't really reach her eyes. "How long have you been standing there?" She asks. 

"Not that long" He walks inside, grabs a chair from near by and sits by her bed. "How are you holding up?" He asks in return, while taking her chart and quickly scans through it. She doesn't answer and Alex can tell there is something on her mind. "I'm sorry" She finally says. 

"What are sorry about? I told you it was fine, bound to come out sooner or later. So it happened to come out sooner than I thought. It's okay, really. I… ah… I actually told someone… Meredith… you know… she's the resident who's…."

"I know who she is" She cuts him mid sentence. "That's not what I meant…."

"I told her the whole story" He ignores that last comment of hers. "Well, most of it anyway. Everything except for my mother's…."

"And the world didn't come to and end?"

"No…." He smiles at her. "It actually felt good to tell someone. It felt good to talk about you and I… and about Kate…. It felt nice to remember all that…. not that you can really forget it… And Meredith took it pretty well too. Didn't look at me different at all…."

"Good, that's good" She smiles back but then her smile fades and she stares straight a head. "But it's not what I meant. It's not what I'm sorry for. Well, I am sorry it all came out like that. I really had no idea… but it's not what I should be apologizing to you for." He looks at her confused, but she goes on. "I should apologize to you for…. I should… God… I'm sorry, Al. God, I'm so so sorry. I mean, she was you daughter too…."

And there, she says it. It takes him a few seconds to connect the dots and then he finally realizes what she is talking about. "Chris…. We said we weren't going to do that. The whole placing the blame thing."

"Well, that was when we didn't know who's to blame." She starts to silently cry, tears running down her face. 

"It wasn't your fault…" He starts but she cuts in. "You don't know that. Kate had a heart defect, I have a heart condition…. You can't possibly tell me it's not my fault. Those things can be genetic. God, Al, you're a doctor, it must have crossed you mind…"

"Chris, look at me" She doesn't even flinch. "Crystal, look - at - me…" He tries again, still nothing. "Chris…" He moves to sit on the bed across from her. He tries to level himself so that their looks will cross but she keeps averting her eyes. He finally gives up and gently grabs her chin, making her look at him. "Chris, listen to me…. And listen good, because I'm only going to say this once. Kate was sick… there was nothing that we could have done about it. We did the best we could considering, we gave her the best chance she had and we fought right a long with her. It's nobody's fault. It's just one of them things that happen. One of those terrible things that happen. And I'm not going to give you the whole Everything-Happens-For-A-Reason crap, because honestly I don't see the reason for burring a four days old baby. But I am going to say this… are you listening? This is the important part." He waits until she nods, letting him know she is listening. "The way I grew up… well I don't have to tell you this… you were there. But it was pure hell. It was hell and you made it somehow bearable. You made it possible for me to survive. So don't you never ever apologize to me. You hear me? You have nothing, absolutely nothing to apologize or to be sorry for. Do you understand?"

She looks up at him; her eyes are red from crying. But she wipes her tears with the back of her hands. Takes the nasal canola out and wipes her nose with a tissue he offers. She puts the canola back, leans back and sighs. "I'm so tired…" She admits. He gets up to leave. "I should get going. You could use the rest for tomorrow". 

"Al, can you lie next to me? Like when we were kids? Only for a little while… just until I fall a sleep…." She is practically begging him. "Sure." She moves a little to her right to make him some room and he kicks his shoes off, gets his jacket off and lie next to her on the bed. He waits until he hears her breaths even to a steady rhythm. He thinks he should probable get going now, but he feels so tired all of a sudden… he really didn't get all that much needed rest…. And it feels so good just lying there next to her, feeling her body heat against his… it feels so familiar and so safe so he just closes his eyes and falls a sleep. Just for a little while he tells himself as he lets the exhaustion consume him. 

"Mr. West, glad to see you've made it. We were just about to go check on you wife during rounds, before preparing her for surgery. Why don't you join us?" Dr. Hahn greets Ryan, while the rest of the residents and interns stand near by. Ryan nods as an older woman around her mid 50's approaches. "Dr. Hahn, this is Ellen Heart. Crystal's mother." "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Heart." Dr. Hahn replies as she shakes her hand. "Why don't we go see Crystal then?" She motions them towards her room. 

"George, she is you patient so you will be presenting" Meredith tells him as they approach the room, but they are completely unprepared for what they see when they step inside. Alex and Crystal are both asleep in Chris' hospital bed. Alex is lying on his back; his left leg loosely stretched out and hangs out the bed; his right leg is slightly bent inward. Crystal is lying on her stomach, still attached to IV lines, pulse-ox machine, the EKG, blood pressure monitor and the nasal canola. She is lying half on the bed and half on top of Alex's torso her right arm, the one attached to the blood pressure monitor and pulse-ox is stretched out just over Alex's left shoulder; her hair covering some of his face and pours over the pillow. She is wearing her hospital gown which is only loosely tied, the cover is tangled at the foot of the bed revealing her naked back and long legs covered only in her black underwear; her right leg's bent so her knee rests on Alex's right leg. Alex has his right arm wrapped around her shoulders and his left arm is bent and loosely covers his eyes.

"What the hell?!" Ryan bursts in and then stops dead in his track as he recognizes the person his wife is lying on top of. 

Alex is suddenly awaken by scream from someone, whose voice sounds strangely familiar. His right arm is completely numb and he realized the feeling of something heavy pressing on it is Crystal's body. He gently rolls under her, careful not to wake her, and gets up from the bed sleepily; leaving Chris still sleeping, lying on her stomach. He notices she is exposed before he notices all the people in the room and he quickly covers her. He stretches up when he is finally aware they are not alone in the room but before he can even react Ryan's fist connects with his nose, sending him back. He falls hard on the floor, pain exploding from his nose through his skull and he can feel the blood flowing freely from his nose and trickles slowly down his chin, dripping on his chest and the floor. Great, it's broken, he thinks to himself. 

"Ryan" He could hear Chris yelling at him and someone else is there calling his name asking is he's alright. "We weren't doing anything… we were just tired…. We fell a sleep…" Chris explains. "Nothing happened."

"God damn it, Ryan, I think you broke my nose."

"God… I… I don't know what came over me…. I'm sorry, man" Ryan says more to Chris than to him and reaches his hand out to help Alex up. But Alex declines; he knows him too well. He knows he is not sorry for hitting him, just for doing it in front of Chris and everybody else. The guy really did have something against him, always has. 

Alex pulls himself into a sitting position and pinches the bridge of his nose trying to stop the bleeding. He could hear Dr. Hahn telling George to get Chris ready for surgery and Ellen asking Chris how she was feeling. When did Ellen get hear? He thinks to himself but then remembers that Ryan is also there, which means they probably got here together; that makes sense. "You" Dr. Bailey is suddenly there squatting next to him, examining his broken nose. "Go have it X-rayed and show it to Sloan. That's it people the show is over…." She sends everyone away.

He gets to his feet slowly, feeling the beginning of a throbbing headache. He almost forgot how painful a broken nose can get. As he passes Chris she looks at him with a pitiful look, silently apologizing for her husband's behavior. "Good luck with the surgery. I'll see you when it's over." He tries to offer some comfort. "She's in good hands, Ellen don't worry." He tells her mother and leaves. 

"Well, it's definitely broken" Dr. Sloan says as he examines Alex's X-ray and shows it to Dr. Bailey. Alex sits quietly on the edge of one of the beds in the examination room. "But, you probably knew that… from the looks of it it's not your first time." Sloan is stating the obvious, ignoring the implications regarding Alex's childhood, which are clearly showing all over his films. 

"No, shit" He answers coldly. He's really not in the mood to be nice, or even polite to anyone, let alone Dr. Sloan. He's not so much tired as before, since he finally got a decent good night sleep, but he really is worried about Chris, and his nose hurts like a mother and the throbbing headache from before has now evolved into a fool blown migraine. 

"Well, this is going to hurt" Dr. Sloan says as he prepares to set the broken bone is Alex's nose. "I can give you a local anesthetization….."

But before he even gets the chance to finish his sentence Alex grabs his broken nose with both hands and with one quick motion sets the bone in place with a sickening crunch sound, the way he always used to do it, shocking Dr. Sloan and Dr. Bailey, who exchange a meaningful between them. God, his nose and head hurt even more if that's even possible, and blood is now flowing freely again and slowly staining his shirt. He pinches the bridge of his nose again, to stop the bleeding and tilts his head back. Bad idea, he thinks as blood flows to the back of his throat, making him choke a little "God, damn it". He coughs and spits some blood to the near by bio-trash can.

"Easy, man, calm down" Dr. Sloan puts a hand on his shoulder trying to make him sit back. 

"Calm down? Calm down? You want me to calm down?!" He is shouting now doesn't care that his yelling at his boss; that Dr. Bailey, who he has always respected is there; that they both probably think his insane. "My sister is dead. My daughter is dead. My own mother blew her brains out and my wife… ex-wife is about to have an open heart surgery!! People just keep dropping dead like flies around me, and you freaking want me to take it easy?! You should probably stay the hell away from me… save yourselves…." He feels so weak, all of a sudden, drained of all energy, and a little embarrassed by his little out burst. He just wants to be someplace else, to pretend this week has never happened; to take the last 5 minutes back; to stop Sloan and Bailey from looking at him like that, with pity. A wave of nausea suddenly hits him and he lurches to the nearest toilet retching and heaving uncontrollably. Great, a concussion to top it all. Well, at least the nose bleed has finally stopped. He slowly stretches up, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and accepts the glass of water Bailey is offering him. He catches a small glimpse of himself in the mirror. Dried blood is covering his upper lip and chin, his nose is a little swollen and he already got deep purple-bluish marks around his eyes making him look a bit raccoon like. It's not a pretty sight. 

"Thanks" He says after rinsing his mouth. 

"Alex, sit back down" She commends in a soft concerning voice and he complies. Dr. Sloan shines a small pen light in his eyes making his headache worse. "Pupils are even and reactive, probably just a minor concussion. We can do a CT just to be sure…"

"No" He nearly shouts. "It's fine…" He continues in a lower voice. 

"Okay… but if you're suddenly feeling worse I want to be the first to know. Understood?" Dr. Bailey says in a warning tone. He simply nods. "Now, you take the day off, go home… rest… do whatever it is you residents do when you're not here… in second thought don't do what you always do… you can't mix drinking and concussion…" He can't help but smile a little. 

"It's not all what we do, you know?"

"Seriously Alex, go home, I don't want you back at work until Monday, at least" She orders him home for the second time in less than three days. 

"No… look I just want to be around for Chris' surgery…." He has to use all of his will power not to beg her. 

"Fine, but you're in no position to work with a concussion, plus I don't want you scarring the patients the way you look right now…. And find someone to baby-sit you. I don't you passing out in the hall ways… and I mean it Alex, if you don't find someone I'll make Cristina watch over you instead of operating. And you know how she gets when she doesn't get to do surgeries…." She lets her threat hangs in the air and with that she and Sloan leave him there alone. 


End file.
